Discussion

friendly are we to people in shops for example, do we say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ both inside and outside the home? Do we greet people with a smile, do we say please and thank you to the child? Do we model good eating habits ourselves? Do we hold a door open for others or do we push and barge our way through a crowd, do we give way to someone or give up a seat on a bus or train to someone elderly and/or infirm in some way? I have watched parents allow their children to push and shove past people without saying a word or not move their child onto their lap on a very crowded train while an elderly and obviously frail person had to stand. (Other adults did offer their seats in this instance). In other words, we cannot ask a child to show behaviour that we rarely or never do or not display the negative aspects of our behaviour that they have seen.

As well as modelling positive behaviour to a child, adults have to help the child deal with their emotions. This does not mean trying to ‘negotiate’ with a child who simply cannot understand what the adult wants. With very young children, i.e. 2-3 years most need the adult to simply say ‘no’, to use distraction or (very difficult I know) to allow the child to vent its frustration (safely) and once calmer, to further soothe the child, showing that you the adult can cope with these feelings and so over time the child learns both that you mean what you say and that you still love them! They also learn that these feelings are ‘manageable’. A lovely example was watching a child get very upset when refused a toy in a supermarket and began to cry and scream. The dad simply picked her up and took her outside, leaving his shopping at the service desk. I watched as he patiently stood holding her hand as she stamped around and then as she gradually calmed he got down to her level and then hugged her. Still sobbing, she clung to him and then they went back in and carried on shopping! I am sure he was embarrassed and possibly angry with her – but he didn’t show it (his behaviour management), setting aside his feelings to deal with hers. That last bit is the crucial one – we need to remember that a child is a child, not a mini adult, who has such a lot of learning to do about how to behave. We have to set aside our own reactions to their behaviour and try to see the world from their point of view and according to their level of understanding. What may seem a trivial disappointment to us can seem a very real issue for the child. At that particular moment, their disappointments are truly overwhelming. Young children live very much in the moment and find it hard to understand that something they want NOW could possibly happen at a later date! An example might explain further what I mean. It is cold outside and you ask a 3 year old to put on their coat before they go outside. They refuse – and you try to explain